My Internship Journey: A Microcosmic Comedy

This article was written by Arif Radzif, Media Relations Intern.

I was asked a question during my interview:

There are two roads, one used by many and another used by none, both of which led to the same place, which road will you take?

It was an odd question when I first read it. What was the moral message behind it?

At first, I thought that the other path was simply a risk; a decision that none dared to take yet led to the same destination that everyone is heading to. I answered:

I took the path that no one wanted in hopes of discovering something different, something that could bring forth a seismic shift that it’ll put me into the destination that everybody else was heading to — success.

But then I realized; the road was, and is, always one…

PART 1: Existential Summer

The first few months of my internship journey were the hardest. Worn myself in new shoes and clothes, blisters all over my body every time I moved. It was a difficult time, especially when there’s a lack of reasoning in why you’re doing the things that you are doing. This was until the Weekly Digest was introduced to me, an internal newsletter sent to employees, rounding up selected news from multiple sources. Every Wednesday, I would need to prepare this newsletter, and I would need to create an introduction paragraph for each issue. I took it upon myself to write down what was in my thoughts as a brief respite. What is embedded within each issue was a trail of my personal journey in discovering what I deemed as my reasoning, now laid bare for all to read.

In those initial weeks, there was this looming presence around me. Something that I couldn’t wish to go away, yet it wasn’t something that I’ll let it be. Pride was the answer; it’s what drives me. The need to self-preserve my image has always pushed me to the extremes and yet it can only take so far. At the end of the day, it was a cry for help masked in prideful arrogance.

But money always has the means to penetrate my pride and I dabbled with thoughts of sacrificing my happiness and health for the sake of monetary gains — just brace everything like a good soldier. No emotions, no opinions, just follow orders and work for that money. But does that really enough? I turned my head to my friends and saw them living their best lives, forging a path that was clear and full of hopes. I, too, have a path, a dream, but the dream was too grand and there was no clear way for me to get into that space; it was in stasis. So then…where else but the money?

PART 2: Falling Leaves

A school of golden koi once swam upstream the yellow river in China only to be met with a waterfall where many turned back once they saw how mighty it was. With their strength in numbers diminished, the remaining koi tried to swim up the waterfall. One by one, they fell and when all hope was lost, a single koi managed to reach the top. In the legend, the koi that reached the peak transformed into a golden dragon after being acknowledged for its strength by the Gods.

I admire this story. In a way, it also reflected the real history behind the koi themselves. What came from dull-looking carps that were more of a nuisance in the wilderness turned into something of great value through years of hard work by farmers in China. The koi had value in them. And everybody loves them for it.

“I needed that,” I thought. I wanted something of value inside of me. But for the life of me, I saw none. I had no achievements, I was lost, I was aimless. What worth is there for someone who has none? I told myself that I’d be getting that sense of value if I have the money, after all, I can’t survive without it. But time and time again, purchase after purchase, it never left a sense of satisfaction. It was all vapid. That’s when I realized that money is a necessity, not an achievement for me.

The koi gained its glory by doing something that was not a necessity. It could’ve just lived a decent life in the river like the rest of them, following the stream and the flow of the river. And yet, it wasn’t content, it wanted more — and it got more in the end.

I wanted more out of this life. But I didn’t know where to start. I got frustrated. I felt disgusted and shameful — degraded myself to the point where I wanted to be punished. Had fleeting thoughts of harming myself, smashing a mirror in my bathroom with my head, thinking about being amongst the dead; would my life be more valuable when it is gone? I never acted upon it but it was consistent, to the point where it was getting harder to even get out of the bed. I wanted out — and so I look outwards.

PART 3: Lukewarm Winter

The Corporate PR team was always kind to me. They were helpful and patient — every last one of them gave me a smile with such carefree that I was perplexed by it. How can someone project such warmth with ease? These people were strong at heart and mind, and they are wise too. It was something that I was severely lacking of. The strength to bring such gentle kindness.

It was at the Malaysia Future Leaders School (MFLS) event that I got the chance to talk more to the team. I’ve gotten to know more about their individuality, what drives them, their fears, their hopes and dreams. I realized in those calm conversations that they too were dealing with their own set of challenges. What differs was that they were walking on two roads at the same time.

A moment of clarity hit me, and I was washed with a sense of calmness. Looking at what’s inside was all that I was doing. Thinking about the future with little to care for the present. Looking back solely on my past mistakes and not turning back to what’s in front. There was no balance. It was always tilting to one extreme. That was my mistake — for how can I move forward while I’m idle in the present?

I came to a conclusion:

I Am Become Of What’s To Come.

It’s a statement of empowerment and of submission. I am confident in the pursuit of my dreams but, at the same time, I will be open to what fate has dictated me to be as. Choice and fate are contradictory concepts, but humanity is always at odds with itself. Some parts of your life happen because of the choices you made, but then there are moments where chances simply cross your path and majorly affect your life. This is the conclusion that I came to — and I think it is the healthiest way of moving forward after this.

CONCLUSION: Two Roads Diverged

So what was the road all about? Here’s my take: The two roads represent what’s on the inside and what’s on the outside. The road where none left touched was the one in the mind while the one that is always used by others is the real world that we all inhabit, and every one of us is reaching towards the same destination. Which road to take in this case?

Either — which is fine as they are one and the same. One just has to look to the side and see the other road every now and then. Switching between these two roads is what life is all about. We don’t run on extremes, rather it’s a constant balancing act until the very end. No matter how long it would take, surely we will reach that destination together.

Thank you Corporate PR and Forest Interactive for this insightful journey. May our roads diverge one day.